Should I Teach My Child Independence?

As a parent trainer, I have noticed that many parents who have a child with a disability have difficulty promoting independence in their child.  It is one thing to do for your child if they absolutely cannot do it, but if they can, it is better to promote independence especially as they get older.  I have personally asked parents why they do everything for their child (i.e. pour drinks, open cereal boxes, dress them)? Responses include, it is easier, less time consuming, I feel bad, I don't think they can, people won't judge me...

Part of the parent training sessions that I provide includes promoting independence.  I of course assess the situation to make sure there are no safety issues, physical limitations etc., but sometimes it's just about letting them grow up, sometimes we may need to make some adaptations/modifications, but that's ok.  When a child is able to do something on their own, especially for the first time, the facial expression says it all and as a parent the feeling is mutual.  I will share two stories related to this very topic...

As a teacher in a Life Skills class in a middle school setting, we had breakfast as a class every Friday.  My students all had jobs to do, setting the table, ordering their food, paying for their food, clearing the table etc.  We worked on many of their IEP goals during breakfast time.  The best was when one student, he was 12 at the time ordered cereal.  He properly asked for his cereal, got his bowl, got his spoon, got the milk, and the box of cereal.  I always gave the students the cue to begin eating and they would start the process.   But, this one student sat their looking at me.  I prompted him that he may open the cereal, when I realized, this was a new concept for him.  He had no idea how to open the cereal, pour it, nothing.  So, I demonstrated with a different box of cereal, he tried and got frustrated.  I had him take a few deep breathes and bingo, he got the box open, to find a bag that was difficult to open because of his pincer grasp.  So, we problem solved and realized a scissor would help.  He opened the bag and a smile started to emerge.  Now, pouring time, he turned the box upside down over his bowl and I hear, "Oh man!"  Yes, the cereal went everywhere, but who cared he was now able to do something independently. Every week he ordered cereal and every week he got better and better at it, the excitement on his face told me how great he was feeling now that he was more independent.

During a parent training session we decided to go food shopping.  It was myself, the mom, and her thirteen year old son.  This family did not bring their child out into the community often because of his behaviors, but this was a skill we were working on during our weekly sessions.  We read a social story before leaving the house and again before entering the grocery store.  The behavior chart was ready to go (we have been practicing for awhile now).  I could see the anxiety building up in mom, so I gave her positive reinforcement and we were off.  Behaviors started to emerge, so I prompted mom to use the chart and be firm.  I finally  understood why parents say they feel like they are being judged...Mom was doing all the right things, using the behavior chart, using positive language, ignoring certain behaviors, then all of a sudden she stopped, looked a me, and her eyes started to fill with tears.  Other customers were walking by looking at Mom & Child, making faces and I said to her, "Are they going to be taking care of your son when he is an adult?  You are doing the right thing and you have to remember you are teaching your son how to be independent and function in society."  At first, I felt bad saying what I said, but she thanks me often for opening her eyes and of course for helping her to realize the importance of teaching her son independence.

"The greatest gifts you can give your children are 
the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence." 
Denis Waitley

Inspirational Quotes for Parent Advocates

Being an effective advocate for your child with special needs is exhausting, sometimes frustrating, and rewarding. I compiled a list of quotes that I hope will be inspirational to you.  Some may pick you up when you feel like giving up, some will provide you with hope, perhaps you will have an epiphany, whatever the case may be, read each quote with an open mind and let the words guide you.

• "Failing to prepare is preparing to fail." ~John Wooden, UCLA basketball coach
• "A good education is the next best thing to a pushy mother." ~Charles Schulz, cartoonist
• "In Chinese, the word crisis is comprised of two characters.  One represents danger and the other represents opportunity." ~John F. Kennedy, President
• "Parents have become so convinced that educators know what is best for children that they forget that they are the experts." ~Marian Wright Edelman, educator
• "If you think education is expensive, try ignorance." ~Benjamin Franklin, inventor
• "Do the hard jobs first.  The easy jobs will take care of themselves." ~Dale Carnegie, motivational speaker
• "Underlying all assessments are a respect for children and their families, and a desire to help children.  A thorough assessment should allow us to learn something about the child that we could not learn from simply talking to others about the child, observing the child, or reviewing the child's records." ~Jerome Sattler
• "In these days, it is doubtful that any child may reasonably be expected to succeed in life if he is denied the opportunity of an education." ~Brown v. Board of Education
• "If the children are untaught, their ignorance and vices will in future life cost us much dearer in their consequences than it would have done in their correction by a good education." ~Thomas Jefferson
• "...whether the IEP and the FAPE requirements were put there out of mistrust of the parents, or out of mistrust of school authorities.  It seems to me they were put there to make sure that the school authorities did not give the disabled child second-rate treatment." ~Florence County School District IV. v. Shannon Carter (Transcript from an Oral Argument)
• "Education is a critical national security issue for our future, and politics must stop at the schoolhouse door." ~Bill Clinton, former president
• "It's not the will to win, but the will to prepare to win that makes all the difference." ~Bear Bryant, football coach
• "If you're sure you can't, you won't.  If you think you can, you might.  If you know you can, you will." ~Fable
• "I am only one; but still I am one.  I cannot do everything, but I can do something.  I will not refuse to do the something I can do." ~Edward Everett Hale
• "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.
• "Every survival kit should include a sense of humor." Anonymous
• "I was one of the 'puzzle children' myself-a dyslexic...And I still have a hard time reading today.  Accept the fact that you have a problem.  Refuse to feel sorry for yourself.  You have a challenge; never quit! ~Nelson Rockefeller
• "Excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise, risking more than others think is safe, dreaming more than others think is practical, and expecting more than others think is possible." ~Howard Schultz

REMEMBER, YOU ARE YOUR CHILD'S BEST ADVOCATE!!!

References:

Wright, P. & Wright, P.D. (2010). From emotions to advocacy. Hartfield, VA: Harbor House Law Press.

Canfield, J., Hansen, M.V., McNamara, H., Simmons, K. (2007). Chicken soup for the soul: Children with special needs. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications.

www.skillfulsquad.net

The Benefits to Parent Training

Parent training services can be offered/recommended to parents who have a child with an intellectual disability.  Sometimes, parents have negative feelings towards the thought of having to be "trained."  Parent training should not have a negative connotation because it is a very positive concept.  Children are not born with instruction manuals and whether your child is typically developing or atypically developing, parenting is challenging.

Effective parent training for children with intellectual disabilities will help parent(s) to be advocates for their  children. It can help in areas of education, behaviors, transitioning, special education law, communicating effectively to the school district, family support, feeling confident in the community, and self-efficacy. There are many benefits to parent training services that have been proven through research.

So the bottom line is, do your research, get educated, become an advocate for your child and remember, parent training is not a negative reflection on your parenting skills, it is a step in the right direction that will benefit you, your child, and your family as a whole!!!

Resources:
http://www.skillfulsquad.net/
http://www.wrightslaw.com/