As a parent trainer, I have noticed that many parents who have a child with a disability have difficulty promoting independence in their child. It is one thing to do for your child if they absolutely cannot do it, but if they can, it is better to promote independence especially as they get older. I have personally asked parents why they do everything for their child (i.e. pour drinks, open cereal boxes, dress them)? Responses include, it is easier, less time consuming, I feel bad, I don't think they can, people won't judge me...
Part of the parent training sessions that I provide includes promoting independence. I of course assess the situation to make sure there are no safety issues, physical limitations etc., but sometimes it's just about letting them grow up, sometimes we may need to make some adaptations/modifications, but that's ok. When a child is able to do something on their own, especially for the first time, the facial expression says it all and as a parent the feeling is mutual. I will share two stories related to this very topic...
As a teacher in a Life Skills class in a middle school setting, we had breakfast as a class every Friday. My students all had jobs to do, setting the table, ordering their food, paying for their food, clearing the table etc. We worked on many of their IEP goals during breakfast time. The best was when one student, he was 12 at the time ordered cereal. He properly asked for his cereal, got his bowl, got his spoon, got the milk, and the box of cereal. I always gave the students the cue to begin eating and they would start the process. But, this one student sat their looking at me. I prompted him that he may open the cereal, when I realized, this was a new concept for him. He had no idea how to open the cereal, pour it, nothing. So, I demonstrated with a different box of cereal, he tried and got frustrated. I had him take a few deep breathes and bingo, he got the box open, to find a bag that was difficult to open because of his pincer grasp. So, we problem solved and realized a scissor would help. He opened the bag and a smile started to emerge. Now, pouring time, he turned the box upside down over his bowl and I hear, "Oh man!" Yes, the cereal went everywhere, but who cared he was now able to do something independently. Every week he ordered cereal and every week he got better and better at it, the excitement on his face told me how great he was feeling now that he was more independent.
During a parent training session we decided to go food shopping. It was myself, the mom, and her thirteen year old son. This family did not bring their child out into the community often because of his behaviors, but this was a skill we were working on during our weekly sessions. We read a social story before leaving the house and again before entering the grocery store. The behavior chart was ready to go (we have been practicing for awhile now). I could see the anxiety building up in mom, so I gave her positive reinforcement and we were off. Behaviors started to emerge, so I prompted mom to use the chart and be firm. I finally understood why parents say they feel like they are being judged...Mom was doing all the right things, using the behavior chart, using positive language, ignoring certain behaviors, then all of a sudden she stopped, looked a me, and her eyes started to fill with tears. Other customers were walking by looking at Mom & Child, making faces and I said to her, "Are they going to be taking care of your son when he is an adult? You are doing the right thing and you have to remember you are teaching your son how to be independent and function in society." At first, I felt bad saying what I said, but she thanks me often for opening her eyes and of course for helping her to realize the importance of teaching her son independence.
"The greatest gifts you can give your children are
the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence."
Denis Waitley
Thank you for sharing both scenarios. As a parent I often feel like I am being judged when I discipline my daughter in public, who has autism. The comment you made to that mother I think was appropriate because it opens your eyes to the day that your child has to become an adult. As a parent, it is difficult to let go and teach independence to your child, but you have to. I think for me, I feel bad for my child, so I try and compensate by doing everything for, but in the long run, this is not helping her for the day she is on her own. Thank you!
ReplyDelete